Monday, August 22, 2005

Lord Tub Writes Us Off

Lord Tub of Lard, one of Britain's leading experts on losing elections, crows:

'Whoever becomes the next Conservative leader, he or she (Theresa May being no more risible a prospect than Liam Fox) is never going to be prime minister. But the Tories' clear unsuitability for government so undermines their political health that it will not be long before the electorate turns off the life support system. As a democrat, I ought to mind. But as I contemplate the imminent demise of what once claimed to be the natural party of government, I think of Oscar Wilde on the death of Little Nell. Only a man with a heart of stone could prevent himself from laughing.'

On Our Man he says:

'David Davis's irresistible attributes are said to be a broken nose, membership of the Territorial SAS and a birth certificate which confirms that he was born in a council house. If that is what it takes to become Tory leader, potential Conservative prime ministers are to be found in most job centres.'

My Lord of Lard, your slings and arrows we thank you for:
When we have match'd our rackets to your balls,
We will in 2010, by God's grace, play a set
Shall strike your fat complacent face into the hazard.
(Henry V, Act I)
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